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Me to Me

Updated: Sep 27, 2019

Here we are again for another installment of “Finding your Pickle”, today I thought I would shed a little light on that. I started this blog to share my voice with many in my community and youth who may or may not struggle with confidence, self worth and their identity. In my last blog post, I stated that  I didn't really know where I wanted this to go, and which is still true but of course through some deep thinking I’ve came to this conclusion, that this will be a continued learning experience. There is a vast opening for trans women of color (and trans & non-binary humans) to take hold of spaces that don’t necessarily allow us to have and here I am. I was recently asked  “What advice would you give to your younger self”, which whenever I get this question I never know how to fully answer it because during those times I didn’t know what exactly I would say, or how to formulate the words and if I actually had the chance to speak to my younger self I'd probably just break down and hug them. But living my truth has definitely given me some insight on what I could say and what I wish someone told me, so I’m going to answer this and I hope it helps you today, tomorrow and or sometime in the future with finding your pickle. 

At a young age, I am assumed everyone in my life knew where this life of mine was heading and I was never too shy of a child to hide who I was, I've had my rough days fitting in and settling in with people who didn't entirely get me. Growing up, I had great respect for my parents, mainly because they were progressive in their action and joyful in their support of who I was. Defending my actions and way of life to family and friends with every interaction I can possibly think of and I deeply miss them for that. As living this Trans existence I find myself in a black hole of hate produced but those with a limited experience on life. I don't believe the outside world was ready to connect with the explosive human they were encountering. But lets answer this questions. 

I would tell my Tristan, to have no self doubt in the life that you are living, you only have one, and you were born for something. Be fierce in your conviction, be present in your nature and be vocal with your apologies even the little ones. Learn to love your flaws, remember to “thank” those who have helped you along the way. You are going to have days where ending your life is an easy option but carry on with life, someone is watching you and wishing for you to succeed.You are someone's hope and dream to live the life they want. Don't take things for granted, the hardest thing you can do in this world is make yourself numb to those who just want to love you, open your mind and heart. You deserve the world, you have so much to offer and you have no idea the impact you'll have on the those around you and whose life you will touch. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, you are not alone in these battles, and try to make every moment better than the next - sometimes a smile can go a long way, even if it's for yourself. Take everyday one step at a time, things will fall apart and you’ll lose your mind, but remember you are in control of this ride and everything you’ve ever dreamed of and for will be yours, just be patient.

Which also brings me to you reading this, time waits for no one and I mean that. If there is anything I have learned from my life and experiences, it would be that everyday is a new lived experienced. Remember you are never starting over from scratch, you gained experience from yesterday and every time you thought a problem couldn't be solved. It’s okay to fail, to feel, to be frustrated and to have doubts but your existence does make a difference in this world, with every interaction online or in person. You are impactful just by breathing, you are worthy just because you got out of bed, and you are allowed to feel, no one was meant to be built out of stone. Now take a deep breath and wash those struggles away and make this world your bitch because YOU MATTER.

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