This pandemic has put me in the space to do some self reflection and consider where I am at currently with life menatlly, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I would say before the pandemic really hit home for me, I was somewhat ok with my life - dating, performing on a regular basis and frequently enjoying life outdoors (nightlife) as it fit with my schedule. But as I've been quarantined since I got back from my cruise at the beginning of March, I have allowed myself to sink into a depression. I’ve gained some unwanted weight and I’ve learned the art of letting go. During this time I have realized my own internal villain that sabotages and keeps me fighting with myself.
I let go, walked away and pushed so many people away from me because I thought I had to be a certain way to obtain attention, love and affection. It has gotten me in some pretty low spaces and sometimes alone. Being hard, cold and rude are not truly part of my personality or inner being but more of a minor fraction of it that I use as a way to not get so close to people. A shield, if you will, from people getting close to me.
I never have taken accountability for my actions in a lot of situations I've been in or a part of. I typically find reasons to blame the other counterpart so that I don’t have to carry the weight of being hurt. I can just proceed forgetting that they existed to me. It has worked over the years but as an adult it has been hard to navigate a lot of friendships and relationships because I don’t know how to fully and effectively communicate and or show affection. I've become this body made up of self doubt and confusion that presents one thousand scenarios and not the one that seems to be right for the choosing.
I’ve always been that way. Not saying it’s right but that's the way it has been for years. I've dealt with a lot of my trauma, abandonment issues and the reality that I self sabotage internally. I've gone through the process of dismantling all of that and then some, but I have to remember and keep reminding myself that I don't have to keep lugging that baggage with me everywhere I go. That’s not the core essence of who I am and because it is such a heavy weight, I haven’t been able to get very far with these burdens.
The front that I provided myself was overly extroverted, obnoxious (glaringly, as I reflect on past actions) and gossipy human that I thought would get me the type of notoriety I wanted but when dating and encountering people, I never allowed that front and persona to fade, so that the person encountering me never really got a sense or feel for the real person that I am. Not really sure I should have been around people during that time as well, hurting so much inside didn't leave room for many to really enjoy what was there. It is also sad that it took so long for me to get to this spot in my life.
Awareness is a powerful thing but can also be a crutch and for me I've used my crutch to do more harm than good. In the past, when someone has wanted to either walk away or hurt me, my irrational mind sets up the scenario to be me against them. Within this scenario they were always going to leave anyway, they never truly cared and they were using me, so I go on the defense using my language, pretending they don’t exist, and negating my feelings to give some room and space for comfort. I used to tell myself that I was okay when I placed a little bandaid on these big wounds. It hurt. I hurt. But I was an expert in telling myself and overly demonstrating to others that I was just fine. I had clarity, although it was a false sense, in believing that I fooled others to see my false portrayal as reality.
Clarity. I don't have much of it but it has helped me get to a place of understanding where I am within this space of confinement. Self reflection doesn’t happen often with me mainly because I am always on the move. It’s hard for me to even keep up with myself mentally and emotionally. Although I really didn’t have a choice, the opportunity to do some self care and reflection wholeheartedly was a glaring need.
I've been on this journey of self love and discovery instead of sweeping my issues under the rug for a while now. I've gained space for loneliness and many nights worrying what tomorrow would bring. As I’ve said before, this journey is hard and very time consuming but alas here I am sharing this publicly. Also being in the space of being honest and upfront about my life is critical for me to not hide those journeys in private any longer. We are not perfect. I am not perfect. We are still growing no matter what age we are and I just so happen to be on a steep learning curve to actually do self work for myself. It's daunting but it's also a privilege.
So I end this post with an olive branch - an apology to anyone who is reading this that I have either distanced our friendship and or relationship. I take responsibility wholeheartedly for my actions that have made us part from the bond that we once had. I continue to wish you the best wherever you are. No matter who you are or how we parted, I can guarantee that you have been on my mind, and on my heart from time to time. Maybe we are meant to re-connect, maybe our journeys together are finished. But either way, I send you peace.